More conversations - Social Exchange, words and silence

This week's task was to introduce some kind of social exchange into a conversation. I am familiar with how social exchange works, particularly when dealing with children, but I had a look at Social Exchange theory. I have written a more detailed reflection of how this task went in my developmental portfolio.

This blog entry is a more informal reflection on this week's practical exercise. In essence, Social Exchange theory proposes that relationships are built as the result of an exchange process. The perceived rewards and costs of interacting drive relationship decisions, and self-interest is seen to drive interpersonal relationships. The theory could seem rather calculating and self-motivated... As a mother, I would maintain that there are many everyday social transactions that do not appear to bring personal benefit, but perhaps Richard Dawkins would disagree. But, like so many things, it is all about relationships.

With these ideas in mind I thought about Project Wild Millbuie. In this case there are a range of different relationships at issue, not only interpersonal ones, but the relationships between humans and their natural environment. It is difficult to say whether such relationships can ever be mutual in the way that human relationships are. Essentially, many would argue that the cycles of life, survival needs and death inevitably connect humans to nature in ways few appreciate.  Linked to this is the important sense in which humans are able to derive a great deal from being in a wild spot through giving it their quiet attention. One result of this kind of ‘social exchange’ might even be concrete benefits for conservation, although this could not, of course, be described as a social transaction.

So I thought I would approach this exercise in several different ways. First of all I had a conversation with my children two about what they thought about all the above, and particularly, what kind of ‘give and take’ a human might have with nature.  Kai (8) said, ‘I know, I’m a tree – I give you a seed and you give me air’....OK thanks Kai. I asked Freya (10) how she felt when she sat under a tree in silence for a while. She answered, ‘It makes me feel really calm if things are going wrong. It feels like I am talking to the tree and the tree is reading my mind.’  Social Exchange? Reflecting on these responses I was interested in the idea of silent conversations, without words....

So in the end we had 4 different conversations, all exploring the theme of QUIET:

1. Conversation in Mime - I played a game where the children were asked to sort out between themselves what they wanted to do, but without using any words! The social exchange was the promise of agreeing on some fun. Funny to watch, lots of gesticulating, not much clear sense. Finally the children realised they had to take turns, but even then they were not sure whether they had been understood. There were frustrations, but it was definitely a useful exercise in 'listening' with more than just ears.

2. Silent conversation between leader and led - So we went out into the Forest and developed the idea of a 'silent' conversation, thinking about not only building interpersonal relationships, but relationships with the natural environment. One adult/child led one of the others, who had eyes shut, around a short area of forest, stopping to ‘show’ the blind one things of interest to feel, like moss, bark, water etc. Then the ‘blind’ person was allowed to open their eyes and try to work out which route they had been led on, and show the leader, again without speaking. This involved a lot of communication, both between the led and the leader, and, indirectly, between the humans and their environment. This communication was tactile and potentially on a more emotional level, rather than simply verbal/intellectual. (For a short video see Leader and Led 'Conversation')

3. Filmed interview - As we spent time in the Forest, we noticed that we became quieter, and the children changed from communicating with words to using motions, whistles and animal sounds to catch each other’s attention. To capture this we staged an 'interview' about being quiet and about being in the forest. We decided words would work best for this.  In this case the social exchange element was that the children decided the format - One child was interviewer, one answering the questions. I made a four minute film of this and asked them afterwards what it was like. Kai confessed he’d been so intent on thinking up the next question he had not be able to listen properly. Freya had enjoyed it. Performing on film had become part of the social exchange! (see Interview)

4. Kitchen chat over chocolate cake - Cake has been a staple of social exchange for centuries! We had a group of children playing at our house. After a while I invited them into the kitchen to have a slice of chocolate cake - and a chat. While all the children were eating I asked them questions about being in the Forest. We talked about all sorts of things, being wild, quiet, free, wildlife...One, Cara (9), said that she liked the quiet. She then mentioned the wind farm that is proposed for the Forest, and explained that she had done a project on wind energy, and had actually visited a big wind farm and touched one of the turbines as it went round. The other children were interested to know what it had been like, and she reported that it had been scary and very noisy, and that she did not want wind turbines in the Forest near the house.  There was a discussion between all of us about the contrast between quiet and noise and the difference it could make to experiencing the Forest.

It was fine, and the 'cake for talk' plan worked well, although the neighbour's kids were a bit shyer. I wanted to introduce the children to thinking about the sorts of feelings and values they attach to the Forest, but not in a forced way. I was also aware that the cake was the main motivation for them to sit still and talk instead of going out to play. I knew I would get something of what I wanted and they would get what they wanted if we stayed relaxed and chatty, and there was no pressure for an outcome. We had a nice chat, then, as I knew would happen, when the cake was finished off they ran to play again. With kids you have to be ready to grab the moment!

I really enjoyed all these conversations and felt that they went well, mainly because I took opportunities as they came up, and thought ‘on the hoof’ about what to do to make them work, rather than planning the details of exactly when and how they would happen.  The main thing was creating the right moment, when the children and I were both ready.

Social Exchange theory is about developing relationships on the basis of give and take. Social exchange takes place in every successful conversation, whether you are aware of it or not. If people are engaging, there is social exchange. The trick is to get them engaged! 

From my experiences of all these different types of ‘conversation’, the easiest and most successful seem to be those in which you know the participants and there is a clear reason for engagement – either something fun, like the silent 'leader-led' game, or something concrete at the end of it, like a filmed performance. Being outside can help too. There is a place for more formal, staged events and more 'freeform' ones. These points will be important to take into the larger class situation.